Divorce is a forbidden word. But the stigma attached to it is slowly changing. We hear this all the time that previously, people stayed married forever and now lack of patience, people are taking an easy route. Any little thing that goes wrong, one of them walks out. But what we don’t know is how many of them suffered all their lives and made peace with it to fit in the traditional role in marriage. There are a lot of factors that the divorce rate was so low then. For example, stigma it carried, religious beliefs, women’s financial dependence on their husbands, women are more aware now of their worthiness and unrealistic expectations. And like everything else, the liberal views/lifestyle has a downside also, for instance, couples are less committed now, one of the partners or both will have a relationship outside marriage if they can’t handle the conflict, the efforts are less to work on a relationship etc. For some it is nasty, for some it is mutual and amicable. It is not easy to go through it. It is a painful roller coaster ride. Overall, people rarely have regrets about their decision of ending their marriage. Men and women tend to process their sense of loss in different ways. For women, the decision is not impulsive and made overnight. The dissatisfaction in marriage for them has been going on for a very long time and when they reach the pinnacle of it, they break and that is when they decide to end it. During this period, they go through grief and make plans how to build strength to prepare themselves for the new life. Whereas men feel betrayed and bitter because they live under this impression that all is fine. Studies show that more than men, women file for divorce. I found one interesting British study where researchers surveyed 10,000 people in the U.K. between the ages of sixteen and sixty. “The participants were asked to rate their happiness before and after their divorce. During a 20-year period, researchers found that women were happier and more satisfied with their lives after divorce. While men also felt happier following divorce, the increase was much less marked than for women.” In my own personal and coaching experience, I have summarized so far these 8 reasons that divorce played for the better in women's lives. 8 REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE HAPPIER AFTER DIVORCE 1. Women feel stronger. So, coming through a divorce seems to have the effect of making women feel stronger, more alive, and more authentically themselves. Because now they are fixing all kinds of problems that were taken care of by the spouse earlier and that is empowering for them. They take the challenge of this new role which makes them feel good about themselves and increases their self-esteem and confidence. 2. They can have more life experiences than before as they feel liberated. Despite the financial struggles, women are better at persevering. They take care of their children as well as themselves mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. They feel they went through so much pain, they open themselves to new and different experiences to enhance their lives. They beat their loneliness and open themselves to new possibilities, get involved in various activities maybe the ones they have put on the back burner, say for example, they wanted to join that dance class etc. 3. Women get better at managing their finances. Many, even on a lower income, divorced women make use of this opportunity to get better at managing their finances. They build wealth by making smart use of their resources starting over fresh and create their own financial plan. 4. They can pursue their professional ambition. You must have heard the common saying, “there is a woman behind every man’s success”. I ask, how about a woman’s success? Well, same applies to her as well. It depends how much her partner is cooperative. But the reality is, usually the husband’s work takes precedence, and the wife has to sacrifice her work for household and family responsibilities. This gives rise to the next question: why do men dominate the world of fashion designers, culinary chefs, art or any other skill which were considered “womanly”? It becomes a big news in the media when a woman achieves a top position. According to the Wall Street Journal (2015), worries about balancing work and family life ranked among the biggest deterrents for women. “There’s no such thing as work-life balance. There’s only life,” says veteran Microsoft Corp. executive Julie Larson-Green, who oversees hundreds of employees and leads design and user experience for Office365 and Bing, among others. Men are fine as long as their wives fit in their preferred lifestyle and daily routine. One Swedish study (2019) found that even in Sweden, often considered one of the most egalitarian countries in the world, a major promotion increased the rate of divorce for married women — but not for men. And a woman who was appointed CEO was more than twice as likely to get divorced than a man who rose to the same position. Charlotte Ljung, 39, a CEO within a luxury bed and furniture group jokes, “the better you do at work, the more likely you are going to get a divorce.” The more high-achieving, professional divorced women I talk to, the more I’m hearing the same things over and over again. I feel like interviewing our Vice-President, Kamala Harris and her husband, how they are managing with her being holding a high responsibility office. Are husbands of high-profile women are really evolved to support them all the way through or are they just fulfilling their responsibilities because that’s what they are supposed to? That’s the question I have. 5. Women get an opportunity to work on themselves. Women look within what went wrong and work on themselves trying to get better for their next relationship. Some take more time than the others to heal. This process lets them discover so much about themselves. And they don’t hesitate to take a professional help unlike men. So, don’t go for the first guy that gives you attention. If it works, good for you. But most of the time it doesn’t. You need time to discover yourself what you want in life and in your future relationship. Explore. 6. They reclaim their lost identity or find one if it was non-existent in marriage. Most of them reinvent themselves. Usually, women more than men lose themselves in a marriage whether it’s expected of them or not. And over time they lose their authenticity. 7. Women are better equipped at adaptability and coping mechanisms to stressful events than men. It is evident from the fact that women outlive men. You have noticed that men generally cannot survive long enough after the death of their wife. If you ask men how they cope with their divorce. And the common answer would be that they dated a lot of women. Some didn’t even wait for it to finalize. Men don’t give themselves time to grieve. Men bottle in their emotions. Our society doesn’t allow a man to express his emotional pain because if they do they are considered weak. The DNA that they carry from caveman era, makes them depressed that they could not keep their woman happy because they are supposed to be providers and protectors. Men do better when they have women by their side. That gives them motivation to live for a purpose. They don’t even reach out for help. That delays their healing which is very important to move on. In cultures like India, as soon as a man gets divorced or widowed, his family will immediately find a bride for him. They don’t understand how digressing it is for one’s self-progression. They think all will be fine once you get married. Therefore, be careful with men who are in the process or newly divorced. They are not sorted out unless you are the type of a woman who thinks and wants to fix men. 8. They have to take less stress on household division of work. In one area, change has been minimal — the traditional views about who does what at home even though young people today have become much more open-minded about gender roles and their attitudes about pronouns, politics and sports, New York Times (2020).” One survey (2019) found that among opposite-sex couples, ages 18 to 34, young men do not indulge in more housework than older men. I am not advocating divorce. But in some instances, it is better to go that route. But don’t rush into either. Try everything you can to fix it. Many times, society or what others are going to think make you stay in an unfulfilling marriage and suffer. I know this is a man’s world but just because you are a woman doesn’t give anyone a right to take away your happiness from you. Awaken yourself. According to Gita, the Hindu philosophy of being, we go through different stages of awakening — Despair, possibility, beginning of awakening, faith, that leads to the deeper wisdom. During this transition, our understanding to look at our lives change. You can do this. Tap into your inner power and strength. Life is precious. You deserve to live a healthy and fulfilling life. And if you need any assistance, I am here to help and support. Your coach, Sonali XO